Life after cancer treatment was supposed to be a fresh start, So what happened?
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Let’s just get it out there: being a cancer survivor sucks. (Unless it doesn’t for you, in which case feel free to skip this post.)
I remember back when my third cancer treatment was finally ending, I had my son video me taking that last chemo pill, because it was a moment of triumph.
From there, it was time to get back into "real" life again.
Only it didn't work out that way. I thought it would be a fresh start, but I so often just felt stuck and scared and sad and just... bogged down
What I found out is, I’m not the only one. Not by a long shot. I've heard and read comments from many cancer survivors in person and online, and your questions usually start with "Am I the only one who..."
So if my experience sounds familiar, it doesn't mean you’re weak. Yes, you're lucky to be alive, but that doesn't mean there's energy and joy purpose when you wake up in the morning. It doesn't mean you don't have scars on your body and on your soul and on your mind.
If you're having trouble merging back onto the freeway of "normal" life, you’re not the only one.
There is a long list of challenges you can face once cancer treatment is done. Each of us might have a handful of them. More likely you’ve faced all of them to some degree at one time or another.
And when they hit you, you can find yourself stuck on your living room couch staring out the window.
So let’s just get them out there, shall we?
Lack of purpose and motivation
Being so close to death was supposed to make you appreciate life, right? Only instead of being more hungry to live each day as if it was your last, you have to drag yourself to meet up with friends or do the things that used to bring you joy.
Loneliness
During treatment you probably had a team of professionals around you, and you may have had friends, family and co-workers paying attention to you. Once treatment is over, you can find yourself alone to wrestle with all the problems of recovery and adjustment.
Loss of our identity
Maybe you’ve become the parent who loses their patience or can no longer lift their child. Or the teacher who can’t last a full school day. Or the runner who just can’t get their energy back. The musician whose hands don’t work like they used to. The quilter who can’t get their fingers – or their mind – to handle the tasks anymore. Cancer can take away those things that used to be the most satisfying and made us who we were.
Health complications
Let’s face it, the chemo, radiation and surgery can do more damage than the cancer itself. Some of the lost function can be rebuilt but some may never go away. It’s not just physical – it’s the emotional pain and weariness that comes with it. Chemo brain, anyone?
Fear of death and recurrence
Fear of death and recurrence during and after cancer treatment are real and inescapable. They’re made all the sharper every time you go in for a follow-up visit or get a hint from your radiologist that the cancer may be returning (“and let’s have you come back in 3 months to see if it's still there.”). Read my <blog post> about it.
Strong memories of the treatment experience
The memory of treatment can pop up at random times, can’t it? Or not so random, like when you go for a checkup of just drive past the hospital or cancer clinic on the way to the grocery store.
Then there are the “helpful” things that actually don’t help, like
Tough love
Sometimes, the people closest to us, or work colleagues, or even random people we meet will say things like “Why can’t you just get over it and move on?” We may even ask ourselves the same question.
False reassurance
A lot of people get uncomfortable with the troubling pieces of cancer, like possible recurrence and death. So they’ll say things like “Don’t worry, you’ll make it through” or “Everything happens for a reason” or my personal favorite, “You can’t experience heaven without going through hell first.” (Who do they think they are, exactly?)
Does all this ring true for you? Do you have any thoughts to share? Any items you’d add to the list?